December 2010
3 posts
I need you ladies to project your voices more. Bras off.
A headshot is only as good as the head behind it.
If casting directors are just failed actors, why am I such a good actor?
November 2010
4 posts
It’s the sort of part you’re really into. The movie is about Feminism, so you get to show your tits.
Are you comfortable? Water? Juice? Ovary massage?
I’d audition for this myself but the pay sucks.
You’re perfect for this part. Start with “I’m a slut” and go through the “Condoms are pointless” speech.
July 2010
7 posts
Can you snowboard? That’s a special skill. Like karate swords and paintballing.
I need you to have that spark. That kick. Think more like Marlon Wayans.
Did anyone see Inception? Yeah, I liked it better when it was called The Cell.
I need a young actor with heat. What’s that Michael Sierra kid doing?
No Janet, it’s not a spelling error. It says fat retard. Find me 10. Now.
I though grape soda was your thing? Sure, fine, call the NAACP. They call them colored people too.
I can’t believe you’re pregnant. I bet that’s really hurt your blowjob quota.
February 2010
4 posts
Dear Ashley: Thank you for your recent submission. I see that you were recently cast as Daisy in Shadowreflection Theatre Company’s minimalist Great Gatsby. Is that homo Edward still their artistic director? Tell him he can eat a dog’s shit, and make sure he knows that I said it. We’d love to see you this Thursday for the new Justin Beiber music video.
I look like I slept here last night? Well you look like you don’t get to audition for this regional Kia commercial. Next!
Let’s do one more take of that, and this time, try to really want the Cheetos. And if really wanting the Cheetos means that your tits are out a little more, well, let’s get those Cheetos!
Can you read this like Hugh Jackman from X-Men and not Hugh Jackman from blowjob night?
January 2010
3 posts
Your hair is so fucking bright, it looks like your brain shits carrots.
God damn, but you’re a tall bitch. Seriously. You are huge. Did your height land you in a special needs class? You probably scared the shit out of normal kids. And that chin. Jesus. So let’s try the read again, and this time.. Christ. I don’t know. Don’t be so terrifying. When you’re ready.
Pilot season is coming up. So, basically it’s triple the disappointment.
December 2009
8 posts
Great instincts on that read, Derek. People should be that excited about Long John Silvers shrimp poppers. Let’s do one more, but this time, let’s try one where you’re talking about shrimp poppers, but really you’re talking about the frustration building in you over the fact that you were never able to tell your dad he’s a bastard before he died this weekend. Cameras...
Ok team, new office policy. Casual friday only applies to Leslie. She’s the only one with enough sense to know you have to look fuckable.
What’s the story with the wheelchair? Was that before the fat arms or after?
I could put in a word for you with Gersh. That word would probably be prude.
Ryan Reynolds. You look like Ryan Reynolds. If he took a dump. Yeah, you look like his dump.
No, this isn’t one of those backroom casting agencies where we have sex with people and put it on a website. I do that out of the privacy of my converted garage.
Nice stretch marks Stay Puft. I haven’t finished paying this camera off, so why don’t you do me a favor and not break it by auditioning.
When I remembered that today was ‘bikini girl’ casting day, I was pretty amped. Thanks for slaughtering my expectations. Go ahead and slate, please.
November 2009
23 posts
Christ, I didn’t know we were casting vulcans today. Please stop crying, I just saw the movie and I’m saying that to everyone.
Ohhhhhhhh, I thought it said Aslan. Yeah, I guess a lion wouldn’t be in a Panda Express commercial.
Fuck you, reflection! You can’t even pleasure a woman when you’re one of 6 guys! I should kill you now, but it’s too quick for you! TOO QUICK! Excuse me? I didn’t realize anyone was still here. Good scene in workshop today. No that’s fine, leave the lights off. See you tomorrow.
It says here that you have training. Does that mean you are comfortable with a train? Don’t look at Ted. Look at me.
When I said ‘swimmer’s body’ I meant I had no body hair, not that I was in shape. Do you want this audition or not?
You remind me of a young Marlee Matlin, without the “mo mo mo” voice.
You know, there’s a good chance I’ll be picking up the Land of the Lost straight to DVD sequel and I smell guest role all over you, darlin. How about we head back to my place for dinner. By dinner I mean splitting this bottle of Zoloft.
You caught me. I’m making electronic noises because this is not actually a camera, it’s an old Fischer Price record player I put on a tripod. We’re in my ex wife’s house- she’s in New York fucking her new doctor friend that plays the drums. Is there even a movie? Well, that’s an interesting question. Do you want there to be?
Dear Kurt: I understand that one of your special skills is that you are a licensed driver. What other miraculous wonders are you capable of? That is so fucking amazing I just shit all over the office. Can you drive over and clean it up?
Good morning! Ha, yes I am a little stoned. You would be too if you knew you were going to spend 10 hours casting an ‘irritable fatty’ for a new Better Cheddars print campaign. My life, you know? So which one of you huge motherfuckers is first?
Amber: Great reading today. One note: LESS MUSTACHE. Bleach, pluck, or fucking blowtorch that thing off. Thanks! ;)
Dear Byron: How dare you say that I’m racist. Because I’m not. Is that your laptop?
Dear Byron: Thanks for your submission, but the client just doesn’t think braces on black people are believable.
Is pizza good for lunch you guys? Molly, you should just have a diet coke and some of your chubby little index finger, because I can’t put you on tape until you drop a Megan Fox off those thighs.
I know it’s been a long day, and the process has been pretty slow, but I need everyone in the lobby to keep the chatter down, as I’m picking it up on camera in the audition room. And don’t worry about the blood on the floor- it’s mine. I was a little sad today. Is Allen Shepard here? You’re up, Allen!
Say your name. Big smile. Now slate left. Slate right. Show me your vajay. What? Oh, it’s song lyrics. Who’s it by? Journey. Ok, start when you’re ready.
Mrs. Fuller: Gap Kids would like to see Greg for the Summer Snuggables print campaign on Thursday at 2:30pm. Please don’t ruin what I imagine to be a lovely vagina by squirting out any more kiddos. Thanks!
Re: Blocking my dick
David: Excellent read today for the role of ‘fat dancer’ for our current Capri Sun project. Attached is some information on our current lineup of audition workshops and a request that you quit cock blocking me around my clients, especially when they are clearly ready to get on me. I only have so much time in the day before I have to go home to my wife, and...
Amanda: I said it was a “go pee.” Not a go see. I WILL NOT be reimbursing you for dry cleaning.
Hey Wally: Looks like the director wants to take things in a different direction. Is there any way you can be more “ching-chongy?”
Pam: Would you be able to reschedule your callback? The client would like to meet you in person. I spilled taco all over my lap. hahaha taco lap. Come be my senorita.